Never Piss Off A Malfoy
by Eternal Elegance
Summary: By wounding his most prized body parts. BREAKING NEWS: Never Piss Off A Malfoy has been BETA'D thanks to Cosettex! xx


Hermione was bored, very bored. She'd already done all her homework that morning and had nothing else to do for the rest of her Sunday; so she decided to have some fun and let her hair down a little.

She walked down the spiral staircase leading up to her dormitory in the joint head common room and made her way to the Head Boy's private chamber which was up a flight of spiral stairs on the opposite side of the joint common room.

She didn't even bother knocking and just let herself in the room like Malfoy had done to her on countless occasions; however, she stopped dead in her tracks as she took in the site before her:

Draco had a magical measuring tape out whilst he used whatever lotion on his manhood and then, she watched as he held it straight and clearly instructed the measuring tape to measure it in length and thickness with him still unaware of her being in his room.

She smirked making her presence known to him by using her wand and summoning the tube of cream to her hands that Malfoy was about to pick up off of his bed.

'Dick growth?' She said, fighting the urge to laugh.

Draco Malfoy jumped at the sound of her voice as he spun around naked and glared at the unwelcome intruder who had the missing tube of cream in her hands.

'Ohhh this is just priceless,' Hermione said smugly as she read what it said on the label, she was completely oblivious to Draco advancing towards her.

'Dick growth instructions: apply cream to balls and massage gently before moving along your shaft and gently stroking it up and down so the cream covers all areas. ' Hermione looked up to see Draco now towering over her short frame.

'I'll ask nicely Granger... give it back.' His voice was calm but held every ounce of warning.

'Why Malfoy?' She glanced down his naked body, her eyes resting on his manhood; she widened them slightly at the size of it, glad he couldn't see her reaction since her head was tilted south wards.

'Like what you see Granger?' Draco taunted.

'Actually I can see why you need growth cream... It's rather small don't you think? Even Harry's is bigger than yours and that's saying something as his is large without using cream.' She looked up to see Draco's priceless face and couldn't help but burst out laughing.

'Do not, and I mean Granger do not compare me to Potter in any shape or form,' he growled as he went to reach for her without really thinking about his actions.

Hermione squeaked and made a run for it, tube still in hand as she rushed through the portrait hole without really thinking where she was going.

Draco was just as clueless as he went after her, she'd wounded his pride when she compared him to Potter's size (and the fact she'd even compared him to Potter in the first place), plus she still had his growth cream in her hands.

All his attention was focused on the brunette in question, and when he caught the little minx, he'd make sure to show her just how "little" he was.

Unaware that he was running around Hogwarts butt naked and with no apparent destination, he finally caught up with her on the third floor corridor in front of a lone cupboard. He grabbed her around the waist and tightened his hold around the squealing witch who was doing everything she could think of to break free from his grasp, but he wasn't giving up that easily; he pulled the doors open and shoved her inside the cupboard.

It contained ancient looking school robes but he didn't care as he walked in after the witch and slammed the door shut behind him. It was his turn to look triumphant as he cornered her.

He rested his hands on either side of her head so she was stuck with no room to escape and locked his gaze with hers.

'Never... never compare me to Potter or call me little, Granger!'

The witch seemed to collect herself as she glared at him with a raised eyebrow.

'Really, Malfoy,you don't look anything amazing: It's little and that's my final opinion. I've no idea where these silly little rumours about how hot the 'Slytherin Sex God' is.'

He leaned in too close for Hermione's comfort. She was the first to register his nakedness but chose to wait before she pointed that out.

'Hermione...' he decided to test the way her name sounded coming from his mouth and felt her shiver as he whispered her name into her ear. He smirked.

'I can prove to you that I am far from little and more manly than Potter will ever be.'

Hermione gulped.

Ron Weasley and Harry Potter stood frozen under the invisibility clock. Surely they were seeing things when they saw a very naked Draco Malfoy and their best friend - still thankfully in clothing – running down the corridor.

'Harry?' Ron Weasley said horrified.

'Yes, Ron?' Harry whispered equally horrified.

'Did my eyes just see what I thought they saw?'

'I hope it's just a very bad dream, but if you saw what I saw, then yes, we just did see it.'

'Merlin's-'

'Soggiest pants?' Harry finished it for him.

'That's my line.'

But Harry wasn't listening to Ron, he'd gotten the famous Marauders' map out and scanned it until he found the two names in question.

'They are half way along the third floor corridor,' Harry announced.

Ron leaned in to see were Harry was pointing and true enough two name tags were seen tangled together with the names 'Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger'

Ron's eyes widened and his ears reddened.

'They better bloody not be...'

That was all the two boys needed to run off in the direction of the third floor corridor hoping that their lines of thought were mistaken.

When they reached the third floor, they warily walked to the lonely cupboard were they could hear thump, thump and strange noises coming from inside.

'Harry!' Ron whimpered, 'the Death Eater's hurting her.'

Harry flinched as their best friend screamed, and so both boys rushed to the cupboard and magically opened the door with force; they both froze in fright at what they saw:

Amongst what looked like old robes were two naked bodies molded together with their best friend's bare legs wrapped around the Slytherin's equally bare body unaware of any interruption.

They watched horrified as Malfoy's hips jerked upwards, and he roared.

Both boys were frozen and unable to move, their eyes transfixed on the unlikely pair in the cupboard who had collapsed on each other and were now breathing unevenly.

'So love...' they heard Malfoy ask Hermione after what seemed like an eternal silence.

'Does this prove,' his hips jerked up making Hermione gasp, "that I'm bigger and manlier than Potter?'

Before Hermione could answer they were interrupted by two horrified, shocked voices.

'WHAT?' Both Harry and Ron yelled in union causing Draco and Hermione to freeze and Draco to press his body against Hermione's so the other two couldn't see anything.

'Love?' Ron whispered before he fainted.

'Bigger than...' and Harry soon joined Ron.

When they heard the two intruders' thud as they hit the ground, Draco slipped out of Hermione and grabbed one of the ancient robes, as he finally realized he'd come without any of his own.

Draco, still not trusting his two rivals were completely passed out, made sure the witch was covered before allowing her to be seen. He took her by the hand surprising them both and went out of the cupboard, not taking much care in avoiding stepping on Weasley and Potter.

Draco stopped, let go of Hermione's hand and walked back over to the two bodies on the floor. He picked up Potter's wand and cast a spell that caused both bodies to float midair and threw them in the cupboard locking them in. He picked up the Weasle's and Potty's wand d and through it ontop of the cupboard.

He turned on his heal and walked over to Hermione who's lips were in a thin line, her arms folded but her eyes where what gave her away. Draco smirked and flung his arm around her shoulders. He stiffened a bit when she melted into his side but he didn't move away.

Maybe this was the start of something new for them both? Screw house unity. Plus he had a feeling their was more to the girl in his arms which didn't meet the human eye and he was going to figure it out. He'd watched the Golden Trio for years.. No one as powerfull and knowledge-filled as her mind was could be muggleborn, their had to be more to her than that.

He new she was different and it still tickled his mind that she chose Potter and the Weasle as friends, when she could do so much more than be their dictionary and protector.

He would figure the Mystery of Hermione Granger untill his last breath and she will be his.

After to day something changed that he couldn't quiet put his finger on.

Hermione Granger has just become his new challenge to crack.

Or something more?

* * *

A/N: Just a little something that came to me randomly Sunday afternoon. It wouldn't but out of my mind so I decided to do something about it, lol. So hear it is... written in words; my random burst of inspiration to write something. But at least it gave me something to do :)

Also whilst I'm doing this I'd like to say thank you to those eight people that's taken the time out to review my ONE-SHOT!

Would love to hear from more of you :)

TDLQ xx


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